Throwback Thursdays: The Inaugural Post

Since my last post received such a large amount of attention and feedback (0 responses in 9 days), I decided on a new direction to take the blog.  Over the next few months, I'm going to write what I like to call a "Throwback Thursday" post each week.  Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not going to write a post about each emo-fueled Thursday concert I've attended in my life.  I could do that for 5 weeks, in case you were wondering.  Instead, I'm going to be chronicling some funny moments/stories that took place before this blog existed, when the only outlet I had to share the story was oral.  (Insert oral joke here)  The first "Throwback Thursday" story is near and dear to my heart, and one that I enjoy telling every time I make the short trek down to Atlantic City.

This one takes place during the summer of 2006.  My fantastic little, Amy, is down in Atlantic City for the weekend with her internship program.  Considering that Amy was only 60 miles east, I decide that I need to head down to Atlantic City to visit.  Unfortunately, I was still a young pup of 20 years at the time, so it was illegal for me to gamble or drink.  Should have put a damper on the night.  But when Amy and I decide to get into trouble, the law doesn't really apply to us (or so we think).

We spent a few hours hanging out in my favorite casino, the Borgata, or BOR-GA-TA if your name is Jay W. Sukits.  I mean, if Jay W. gives his blessing over a casino, you know it has gotta be a damn good place to hang out.  We walked around for a while, caught up on life, and enjoyed each other's company for a while.  Now, this might sound like a boring night to most, but you have to remember, we were at the BOR-GA-TA.  It was a Saturday night.  Women were dressed (can I even say dressed?) in ridiculously skimpy clothing, strutting their slutty asses all over the casino.  Amy, being the small-town Western, PA girl that she is, was a little taken aback at first.  I guess they don't have too many hangouts in Murrysville where clothing is optional for women and the larger your chest size, the more free drinks you'll get passed from the bartenders.  Weird, I thought everywhere had places like the Borgata.  After a while, we settled into our normal routine:  scan the casino, make fun of the sluts, scan some more, make fun of the douche bags with the sluts, rinse, and repeat.

After a while, I decided to call it a night.  I had things to do (break up with Julie) and needed to get home to attend to them.  No, that's not harsh either, it's the truth.  And here is where the story gets saucy.  Amy and I took the short walk over to the elevator.  Before the doors could close, an intoxicated middle-aged man, and an extremely intoxicated middle-aged woman entered the elevator.  The dude was about 45, dirty moustache, smelled like cheap cologne that he yanked from the bathroom, and was wearing a denim jacket circa 1987.  The woman reaked of alcohol, had platinum blonde dyed hair, a really bad fake tit job, and was wearing some sort of leopard printed top, much too tight for her over-inflated chest.  While Amy and I stared on, the following conversation ensued:

(Insert various slurring throughout conversation)

Man:  Fun night huh?

Woman:  Yeah, I had fun tonight.

Man:  So, uhh, where are you, uhh parked tonight?

Woman:  I'm on 4...I think.

Man:  Really?  I'm parked on 3.  Why don't I drive you up to your car?

Woman:  OK, that's a really good idea!

Unfortunately, it's difficult to describe how ridiculous this situation actually was.  This woman was stone-cold drunk, and had absolutely no idea this creepy guy was hitting on her.  Neither of them should have been driving, and she certainly wasn't going to receive any "protection" from this dude, literally or figuratively.  Then again, if you're drunk enough to think it would be a good idea for a creepy, drunk old guy to drive you up one floor to your car, I guess you deserve to be sexually molested.  Needless to say, Amy and I got in quite a good laugh at their expense, and thought that would be quite a fitting end to the evening.  Little did we know, it was far from over.

Anyone who has visited the Borgata with me knows that I always park on the roof.  I don't think it's a good luck thing, since I lose almost every time I step foot in the casino.  Actually, it's because the view from the parking garage roof is beautiful and gives you the ability to see the entire Atlantic City skyline.  Quite a nice sight.  So, Amy and I got off the elevator and began the short walk to my car.  About 100 feet into the walk, I began to hear a sound.  It sounded like some sort of groaning.  Odd, it didn't look like there was anyone else on the roof besides the two of us.  Then I heard it again, and looked at Amy to see if she had heard the same thing.  Yup, she had.  The sound became louder and more distinct a few seconds later, and I immediately knew the sound I was hearing, the ever-familiar "dude getting a blowjob in his car sound."  With so much experience, how could I not know that sooner?  I looked to my right and immediately saw what I was looking for.  Silhouette of a head on the driver's side, silhouette of a bobbing head in the first silhouette's lap.  Nice.  Of course, Amy and I couldn't just walk away.  No, we needed to get closer.  Upon further inspection, we discovered the facts.  A middle-aged man in a Silver Toyota Celica was getting a blow job from what we suspected was a prostitute.  His windows were open and he was grunting, loudly.  By the time we got close to his car, he was definitely close to the Big O.

At this point, I had a decision to make.  Would I knock on the dude's window, give him the thumbs up, and ruin his BJ, or would I walk away in hysterics knowing I had seen one of the most ridiculous things in my short 20 years?  I asked Amy if which option I should take and she made a very good point.  If the dude is willing to get a BJ on the Borgata's roof in his car, he could be packing heat.  I thought to myself, "You know what, it would be great to knock on this dude's window.  What a story that would be.  But...this is Atlantic City, and you have to know when to walk away."  Besides, as evidenced from this post, I already had quite the story to tell.  So Amy and I stumbled back to my car, doubled over in laughter, full of the knowledge that one day we could each tell our grandkids about the night we saw a guy getting a blowjob on the roof of the Borgata.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll inspire my grandchildren to perform such a courageous act one day.

Next Week:  Kaps accomplishes a new milestone in his adolescent life.

- Kaps

Song of the Day:  Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues

The List of 5...

Ok, the bottom 5 post from last week seemed to draw a lot of attention and comments, so I want to do another one.  However, I want to get your input before I do it.  What do you all want to see?  I'm willing to do any Top 5, Bottom 5, Best 5, Worst 5, you name it.  Practically nothing is off limits.  Want me to embarrass myself?  Done.  Let's see how creative you all are.

- Kaps

Song of the Day:  Snoop Dogg - Beautiful

The 5 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

Over the years, I've seen quite a few movies.  Most of the ones I choose are pretty good.  However, every once in a while I get fooled (or dragged) into wasting 2 hours of time and $8.50 of my hard-earned money on one of these pieces of shit.  The following list comprises the worst 5 movies I've ever seen.

Before we get to the winners, I'll list a few Honorable Mentions:

Gothika - Horror flick starring Halle Berry.  I don't remember all that much about it except thinking it sucked.  Since it was released 6 years ago, and I still think about the movie sucking, it must have been really bad.

The Village - The movie that sent M. Night Shyamalan over the deep end.  Some would argue that Signs did that, but I'm going with The Village.  This movie was marketed terribly, or I guess brilliantly since it grossed $114M in the US.  Bad acting, terrible story, way too many plot holes.

S.W.A.T. - Possibly the worst character development I've ever seen in a movie.  I didn't give a shit about any of the characters the entire time.  Stays on the Honorable Mention list since I didn't see it in theaters...which makes me even dumber for sitting through the damn thing on HBO.

Daredevil - Before Daredevil, Ben Affleck made Good Will Hunting, Boiler Room, and Armageddon.  After Daredevil, he did Gigli and Surviving Christmas.  This one was really bad.  A blind superhero?  Give me a fucking break.  Then to make it better, his love interest, Elektra, who dies in the movie, somehow gets revived and makes her own movie.  

Now to the list you've all been waiting for:

5.  Malibu's Most Wanted - Was Jamie Kennedy ever funny?  I don't know how this dude even got famous.  Anyway, I saw this one back in high school at the wonderful Cinemark theater, the place where I almost died after a date gone terribly wrong (another post for another time, I promise).  I didn't laugh once during this movie, and neither did anyone I was with at the time.  The best part about this flick?  Calling Kanad up after the movie and sounding enthusiastic when asking if he liked it (he had seen it earlier at a different theater), and him replying, "Yeah, it was pretty good."  I never said I was friends with Roger Ebert.

4.  Fear Dot Com - Supposedly spooky thriller starring Stephen Dorff.  They were really going after the new, emerging trend of the Internet....in 2002.  Yeah, a few years too late guys.  I also saw this one at the Cinemark theater, and was pretty bored the entire time.  Like most horror films, this one tried a few spook scenes to make the audience jump, but no one did.  The best part of this movie was definitely during the climax.  I vaguely remember some water and a ghost looking thing...and then I yawned loudly.  I didn't mean to be rude, but at the point I really didn't care.  Well, apparently everyone in the theater felt the same way because after the yawn, the entire audience (of 20 people) began laughing.  First reaction in the theater in 75 minutes.  Glad I could contribute.

3.  Napoleon Dynamite - I could go on and on and on about this movie.  What makes this one special is that almost everyone who saw this movie LOVED it.  All I heard about for weeks was how funny Napoleon Dynamite was.  Naturally, I had to check it out for myself.  The movie elicited a few chuckles in the beginning, and then Jon Heder and his stupid voice got really annoying.  Seriously, how long can a goofy looking guy with weird habits who over-emphasizes his words continue to entertain people?  The general public, about 90 minutes.  Me, about 90 seconds.  And the dance scene at the end of the movie?  Totally over-hyped.  By the time we got to that point, I didn't even care.  Ooooh, white kid dancing to hop-hop music.  How Cool!

2.  Scary Movie 3 - To be honest, I can't give you too much of a synopsis on this one.  I don't remember all that much of it, because afterwards, I tried desperately to forget I ever wasted 90 minutes of my life watching it.  Scary Movie was really funny.  Scary Movie 2 had its moments.  Scary Movie 3 was absolutely atrocious, and has spawned even more atrocious movies like Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Superhero Movie, Teen Movie, and so on.  Of course, I haven't seen any of the other movies listed in this section, but I can imagine they all sucked as bad as Scary Movie 3.

1. The Happening - When I thought of the idea for this post, I really just wanted an excuse to write about The Happening.  After I saw this movie, I wanted to talk about it for weeks with anyone else who had seen it.  Each time I did, I realized another aspect of the movie that was completely and utterly terrible.  So let's see, where can I begin?

Mark Wahlberg is usually a pretty solid actor.  I enjoy his work, and I think that for the most part, he does a good job.  In The Happening, I could have done played the part better.  He completely mailed in the performance.  Then again, who can blame him?  After he agreed to star in it, he probably thought, "My god this script sucks.  What the hell is wrong with me?"  Best line of the film, "Run!  It's the plants!"

M. Night Shyamalan.  What the fuck happened to you?  Actually, nothing ever happened to him.  Ever since The Sixth Sense, he was never really a good writer.  His strengths?  Directing.  Sorry, just one strength.  His weaknesses?  Writing, and developing a compelling, believable story.

When I first saw a preview for The Happening, I was actually very intrigued.  I thought, this is an interesting premise, and this movie has a ton of potential.  Ouch.  During the first few minutes, when everyone is killing him/herself, I was still intrigued.  Why is everyone doing this?  What could be the cause?  Let me tell you, "the plants" never crossed my mind.  That Shyamalan is brilliant.  You can never see where he's going next.

The movie kept going, and then I started to notice all the flaws.  The shitty acting.  The plot holes.  More plot holes.  But what really got to me was how the acting got progressively worse as the movie wore on.  I know they don't film movies in scene order, but this was sure felt like it as the acting went downhill as the movie progressed.  Just an overall terrible performance.

Some highlights:

Mark Wahlberg's character not being affected by the virus or whatever was making everyone kill themselves.  He's at the creepy old lady's house, and he walks on to her porch, and sees her infected.  He's literally 15 feet away from her.  Yet he's not affected by it?  Ok.  Let's not forget that the windows were open in the house.  I guess Mark Wahlberg worked for the EPA, and the plants spared him.  I could name 10 more times where he should have gotten the "virus" but I'll safe myself the effort.

The kids getting shot.  This was when the movie went from really bad to so bad it was wildly entertaining.  The group stumbles upon an old house in the middle of nowhere with people inside.  They begin to politely ask to be let inside, and not wanting to be infected, the homeowners turn them away.  A dick move, but o well, you gotta watch your own.  After a while, the 2 teenage kids traveling with the group begin screaming at the people to let them in, cursing, and trying to forcibly enter the house.  What happens next?  The owner of the house grabs a shotgun, puts it through a crack in the window and SHOOTS BOTH OF THE KIDS (one of them in the head)!  At this point, I started cracking up hysterically.  I literally could not stop laughing for about 5 minutes.  The sad part?  Most of the rest of the theater joined in my laughter because we knew what a travesty we were viewing.  The shootings had zero impact on the movie, and to this day I would pay $17.47 to find out what was going on inside M. Night's head when he wrote that into the script.

The best part of the movie:  For those of you who don't know, the plants released a toxin that made people lose their sense of self-preservation.  That maybe could explain why people would walk off the top of a building.  It might even explain why you would drive your car into a tree.  It probably wouldn't explain you picking up a gun and shooting yourself in the head.  What it definitely wouldn't explain?  It wouldn't explain a guy walking into his front yard, turning on his John Deere mower, watching it run in a circle for 10 seconds, and positioning himself on the ground so the mower would run over his head.  Are you serious M. Night?  He lost his self-preservation sense so he did that?  How dumb do you think your audience is?  Once again, I erupted in laughter and this time, the entire theater joined with me.  The Happening had turned from M. Night Shyamalan's creepy "R" rated movie to a comedy.  Congratulations M. Night, let me get you a WGA Award.

Thank you for allowing me to finally get that off my chest.  I needed that.

- Kaps

Song of the Day:  Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta...welcome to 1998.

Bonus:  Mad props if you know the soundtrack that song was on without looking it up on Wikipedia or Google.

Beyonce

A quick rant I need to get off of my chest before I go to bed tonight.  Since I drive to and from Princeton everyday, I've gotten a lot of quality time with my radio.  I have about an hour and a half everyday of solid listening time.  In the morning, I have 10 minutes with the Beatles from 7:10-7:20 on the Classic Rock station, definitely the highlight of my drive.  However, what I'm sure to hear, at least 75 times I might add, is Beyonce (pictured right, giant ass).  It seems like no matter where I turn, Beyonce is blaring through my speakers.  I have 12 presets on my radio, 8 of which have the potential to play Beyonce songs.  Almost every time I scroll through my presets, I'm sure to hear at least one.  "Put a Ring On It (Single Ladies)" is by far the most egregious offender.  This song is played to the point of nauseation, and yet it's still going strong 4 months (or has it been 4 years) after its release.  Since then, we've gotten "If I Was a Boy," which is finally beginning to fade out, "Diva," which is one of the most ridiculous songs I've ever heard, and if I'm not mistaken there's some other song she has on the dial right now as well.  This of course fails to take into account her countless other songs from prior albums that continue to get solid play as well.  I understand that she's really hot and talented, but is it really necessary to play her songs every 5 minutes?

Radio stations of Philadelphia and New York, I beg of you, please get off the Beyonce.  It's enough already.

- Kaps

PS - I need to get XM Satellite Radio...that is, if they aren't bankrupt by the time I get a new car.

Song of the Day - You name it, as long as it's not by Beyonce.

The Funniest YouTube Clip Ever

I just hope they don't take it off of YouTube before you see it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R31XmJ8RUm0&feature=related

Thanks to Joey D. for this amazing find.

- Kaps

One of My Biggest Character Flaws

When I started this blog, I promised that I would provide some honest insight about myself, and really open up to you guys.  To this point, I feel like I really haven't done the best job of that, so I'm going to make up for that now.  Tonight, I'll share with you one of my biggest character flaws.  In all seriousness, if you read this and think, "Yeah, I knew that," well, you either extremely observant or know me nearly better than I know myself.

I'll just get right out there are say it.  I lack faith in people.  Take a deep breath.  When I say I lack faith in people, I'm not saying I believe people are inherently bad, or most people in the world are stupid (judge for yourself the truth of those statements).  Actually, what I'm saying is that often, I lack faith in the people that mean the most to me, friends and family.  This is something that has plagued me for quite some time, but has only recently manifested itself in a way that warranted me doing some serious thinking.

Let me explain.  In the past few weeks, I cannot tell you how many times I've thought negatively about a friend of family member, only to have evidence spit back in my face that I was dead wrong.  My thought process goes something like this:

"Hmm, I called friend X like twice this week, why haven't they called me back?...Jeez, sometimes it feels like I'm putting all the effort into this relationship...Screw it, I'll let them call, it'll probably be weeks til I hear from them."  5 hours later..."I am such an asshole, why do I always do shit like this?"

This is a process that repeats itself on a regular basis, and I don't know why.  These are the people I care most about in this world.  Shouldn't I just trust them unconditionally and be comfortable enough with our relationship to understand that they probably have other things going on or have a good reason for what they've done?  No, for some reason I'm seemingly incapable of having this thought process.  And yet I have some of the best friends on the planet and am thankful everyday for those relationships.

That brings me to another character flaw of mine (This is a limited time offer, 2 things wrong with me, one post).  I think part of the reason I tend to have these terrible ideas about my friends and family is because I can become self-centered at times.  I often expect people to act in a certain way because that's what I would do, and fail to consider that they might have their reasons for acting in an alternate manner.  I need to get better at respecting that people are going to do things differently than I do, and when these people mean something special to me, accepting these differences and not thinking negatively of them for it.

To sum up, if you're reading this, you're probably one of my best friends.  Therefore, I'm giving you permission to smack me upside the head if you ever catch me acting in the manner(s) listed above.  I'm going to try to change, something that has given me trouble in the past.  To all of you, please keep being the same as you've always been.  You guys are all fantastic, and I love you to death.  Or as my man Talib likes to say, "I don't love you to death because I love you to life."  Thank you.

- Kaps

PS - The last 2 posts were kinda deep.  The next one will be fun, I promise.

Song of the Day:  Boyz II Men - Dreams

The Pittsburgh Stillers

Over the last few weeks, I've read a bunch of articles about the Pittsburgh Steelers.  The funny part is, most of the articles weren't chronicling the team's chances at the Super Bowl.  Instead, the focus of most of the articles was on the team's relationship to the people and the city of Pittsburgh.  Without getting into too much detail, I will say that I am still amazed at the bond the Steelers have to the city of Pittsburgh, best evidenced by the power of the "Terrible Towel" (see right).  Over the past 4+ years, I have witnessed that bond firsthand during my time at Pitt.  The city's hopes an dreams ride on that football team, and you can notice a decidedly different mood on Monday mornings depending on the result of the game.

With those facts in mind, I have to say that I will be fervently rooting for the Steelers in the Super Bowl tonight.  Not only do all my friends in Pittsburgh passionately support the Steelers and would love to see another championship, but over the past 4 years I have really grown to admire and respect that franchise.  They do everything that a fan would want their team to do, and they win based on the same formula that worked for them over 30 years ago.  To all the Steelers fans who I know, I wish you the best of luck today.  You should be proud to have the privilege to support your team.  I hope you win an unprecedented sixth Super Bowl title tonight.  'Ere we go!

For those of you watching the game tonight who aren't from Pittsburgh, pay attention to the crowd and the noise they make.  You'll honestly think the Steelers were playing a home game.  

Super Bowl Prediction:  Steelers 27, Cardinals 13

Song of the Day:  Donnie Iris - 10th Street